For the last couple of days, I have been thinking quite a lot. Meaningless things, mostly. But it's cynicism that pervades in most of them. Don't know why.
Why do I have to live? Living in this world is not at all easy. Have to fight some really tough battles. But then, it should really be worth it. What do I really achieve in the end?
No one really cares for anyone else. I can't see love without being mixed with selfishness.
I have got a dream of my own, that's sure. But my life is in a fucken state right now. But that doesn't really mean that I should really abandon it. I got to protect my dream. And I will.
Cynicism doesn't have any answers. But I do turn out to be a cynic in between. But the good thing is that I get over it too quickly.
Actually, life is too simple, I think. Ego makes it complex. The wish to show someone else that u are something good and different. But world couldn't work this way without it also. there are good and bad sides for it. and the important thing is to find proper balance, i think.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
What I've done
***
what i`ve Done
I've faced myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done
Put to rest
What you Thought of Me
While I clean this Slate
With the Hands of Uncertainty
***
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shed but I'm me
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
***
This means only two things
1)I'm listening to LP right now
2)I'm totally f****d up
what i`ve Done
I've faced myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done
Put to rest
What you Thought of Me
While I clean this Slate
With the Hands of Uncertainty
***
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest, leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shed but I'm me
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
***
This means only two things
1)I'm listening to LP right now
2)I'm totally f****d up
Monday, December 14, 2009
Happy!
Em happy, of course I am. But I can't tell you why.(I, myself am a bit confused about the reason, actually) Of course, nothing has changed. I am still wandering around, jobless, and clueless about future. No turn arounds in love life, it's still empty. And it seems like there are quite a lot of butterflies in my stomach.. damn.. I hate it.
Ok, But I want to know the reason, just like you do. Hmm.. lemme think.
It's nice to be associated with good people, people who are actually good at heart. Sometimes, I just sense truth and sincerity in others heart, without taking much time. And it is quite a nice experience as well.
I guess my happiness comes out of that sort of a feeling.. it must be..
Ok, But I want to know the reason, just like you do. Hmm.. lemme think.
It's nice to be associated with good people, people who are actually good at heart. Sometimes, I just sense truth and sincerity in others heart, without taking much time. And it is quite a nice experience as well.
I guess my happiness comes out of that sort of a feeling.. it must be..
Monday, December 7, 2009
Void
Now that CAT is over, I am facing void again. Have got a few more exams to write, but don't really feel like studying.
Saw a malayalam movie 'Paleri manikyam' yesterday. Didn't like it much. Now em looking forward to the releases of Rocket Singh and 3 Idiots. The boredom might make me watch 'Paa' also. Heard good reviews about it.
Saw a malayalam movie 'Paleri manikyam' yesterday. Didn't like it much. Now em looking forward to the releases of Rocket Singh and 3 Idiots. The boredom might make me watch 'Paa' also. Heard good reviews about it.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Workshop woes
**This was published in the class blog a few months ago. Those who have already read it, please bear with it.
(Yet another incident from my CET life. Slight exaggerations here and there, as usual.)
Usually for Engg. students, third semester begins with a bit of relief. The feeling that 'we are also seniors' comes in and the insecure feeling is far gone. Besides that, they get relaxed, and start to master this unique technique of covering the whole syllabus on the day before the exam. The same happened with all my friends also. (I had started to apply it from first year itself.)
The easiest electronics lab in the whole of B tech course was in that semester. Electronics Workshop. But there, things were not that simple as I expected them to be. I stood inside the workshop, like a rabbit thrown into a lion's cage, in total dismay, in front of RM ma'am. Things got worse when I started to write the rough record. I had to submit it, then go and wait somewhere near the garden that we had in the middle of the dept. building, so that I can catch it when she throws it away. The throwing - catching process went on and I had to redraw pictures several times for some grave reasons like one leg of the resistor is shorter than the other, the angular distance between the legs of BC107 is not accurate enough etc. Later, when I got the first experiment signed, I was relieved, and felt like I had just completed half the requirements for a b tech degree.
But more bitter things were still in store for me. I couldn't attend the regular exams due to chicken pox. And that made me the only person to have a suppli in workshop. I attended the supplementary exam, got Hartley oscillator or something, screwed the whole thing up miserably, and failed again. That put me in one of the worst situations I had to face in my B tech life.
A s5 student attending the workshop exam with juniors.I felt like shit. I entered into the exam hall, and as soon as I saw the internal examiner, I knew that I was doomed. It was none other than S ma'am (who, later turned out to be our VLSI teacher). We were pretty familiar with each other by that time. When I had to go to the staff room related with the SB sir episode in s4, along with bond, Bimal etc., we had already had an encounter. At that time, she had blessed me with some divine words like "Nee orukaalathum gunam pidikkilla" (Translation will destroy it's beauty.) as if I had done something highly reprehensible. (Gosh.. but all that was for not writing class notes..!!)
When I was drawing the layout, she came walking towards me, with a disdainful look.
"You stay at MH. Don't you?"
"Yes ma'am"
"So you proud MH ite, you have no intention to complete the course in four years huh?"
I didn't know how to react. I was already a bit nervous. I wanted to ask her to give me some peace of mind. I knew that it would make her more hostile. So I kept looking at my answer sheet without saying a word.
"What is your first year gpa?"
"6.4"
Right then, she sat on a stool near to me. I knew that she was not gonna leave me soon.
"What was your entrance rank?"
"194"
"What about your tenth and plus two marks?"
"94 and 88"
"Don't you feel ashamed of yourself and what you are doing? You are letting your parents down in a big way."
She was snarling at me like I just raped someone right there.
"Why don't you tell all these on another occasion?" was all what I said in my mind. I just stopped drawing with a deep sigh. I looked at her with a 'What the fuck you want' kind of an expression.
She got more furious.
"What do you think of yourself.. huh? Now, all of you MHites do have a feeling that you have conquered the world. But once you get out of the college, you will know what real life is.. At that time, you will regret thinking of all these. But it will be too late.. Your parents will also suffer for what you are doing now.."
I decided to change the track, and tried to bring a sad expression on my face as if, I was deeply moved by her words. Shook my head in between and kept staring on the floor. "Oh.. you just opened my eyes!!" was all what I wanted to convey, and from her face, I knew that I had done very well..
I saw her face expression changing. She used her palm to support her chin, and her face looked like that of someone who is at the funeral of a close relative.
"You have done a few mistakes, but now you are worried about your future, right?"
Her voice was very soft.(Er... I mean.. the maximum softness that she could bring in her voice. of course, she has got her own limits..)
I nodded very slowly.
"Why you were not able to study properly?"
For a moment, I was blank. What would I say? I can't tell her that it was because I didn't give a fuck about studying. I couldn't figure out anything quickly. So I chose the option of silence.
After a few seconds, she leaned forward, and asked in a lowered voice.
"You have any problems?"
"Eh?"
"I mean, any mental problems?"
I felt like rolling over the floor and laughing, but I did respect her concern. Somehow, I managed to keep the sadness on my face, and replied.
"No, ma'am."
"Physical?"
I wanted to say something and abandoned the idea too quickly. I had to turn my face to the other side so that she wouldn't see me smiling. I retained the sadness, and turned back.
"No"
She crossed her fingers, and said very seriously..
"Anyways, we have to find a solution. Do you study at least an hour everyday?"
"Yes ma'am"
I replied without thinking much.
"No, you don't.. Because if you did, you should have scored at least 7.5"
"Er.. actually... I started doing so only in this semester ma'am.. "
"Hmmm... That's good. You should promise me that you will continue to do that.."
"I promise, ma'am"
"That's really good.. Now go on.. "
As she left, I felt totally relieved. Somehow, I managed an output that time.. But, the trouble wasn't fully over. Viva was still left.
As I sat in front of the external examiner, she, straight away, asked me to identify some components. My eyeballs bulged outwards as if I was looking at a ufo. Examiner got a clear idea of my pathetic condition and let me go very quickly..
So that was how the thing got ended, folks.. and the only thing left was a
promise. What about that? Now, even if I tell you that I kept my word, You will take it to be a joke. Won't you??
(Yet another incident from my CET life. Slight exaggerations here and there, as usual.)
Usually for Engg. students, third semester begins with a bit of relief. The feeling that 'we are also seniors' comes in and the insecure feeling is far gone. Besides that, they get relaxed, and start to master this unique technique of covering the whole syllabus on the day before the exam. The same happened with all my friends also. (I had started to apply it from first year itself.)
The easiest electronics lab in the whole of B tech course was in that semester. Electronics Workshop. But there, things were not that simple as I expected them to be. I stood inside the workshop, like a rabbit thrown into a lion's cage, in total dismay, in front of RM ma'am. Things got worse when I started to write the rough record. I had to submit it, then go and wait somewhere near the garden that we had in the middle of the dept. building, so that I can catch it when she throws it away. The throwing - catching process went on and I had to redraw pictures several times for some grave reasons like one leg of the resistor is shorter than the other, the angular distance between the legs of BC107 is not accurate enough etc. Later, when I got the first experiment signed, I was relieved, and felt like I had just completed half the requirements for a b tech degree.
But more bitter things were still in store for me. I couldn't attend the regular exams due to chicken pox. And that made me the only person to have a suppli in workshop. I attended the supplementary exam, got Hartley oscillator or something, screwed the whole thing up miserably, and failed again. That put me in one of the worst situations I had to face in my B tech life.
A s5 student attending the workshop exam with juniors.I felt like shit. I entered into the exam hall, and as soon as I saw the internal examiner, I knew that I was doomed. It was none other than S ma'am (who, later turned out to be our VLSI teacher). We were pretty familiar with each other by that time. When I had to go to the staff room related with the SB sir episode in s4, along with bond, Bimal etc., we had already had an encounter. At that time, she had blessed me with some divine words like "Nee orukaalathum gunam pidikkilla" (Translation will destroy it's beauty.) as if I had done something highly reprehensible. (Gosh.. but all that was for not writing class notes..!!)
When I was drawing the layout, she came walking towards me, with a disdainful look.
"You stay at MH. Don't you?"
"Yes ma'am"
"So you proud MH ite, you have no intention to complete the course in four years huh?"
I didn't know how to react. I was already a bit nervous. I wanted to ask her to give me some peace of mind. I knew that it would make her more hostile. So I kept looking at my answer sheet without saying a word.
"What is your first year gpa?"
"6.4"
Right then, she sat on a stool near to me. I knew that she was not gonna leave me soon.
"What was your entrance rank?"
"194"
"What about your tenth and plus two marks?"
"94 and 88"
"Don't you feel ashamed of yourself and what you are doing? You are letting your parents down in a big way."
She was snarling at me like I just raped someone right there.
"Why don't you tell all these on another occasion?" was all what I said in my mind. I just stopped drawing with a deep sigh. I looked at her with a 'What the fuck you want' kind of an expression.
She got more furious.
"What do you think of yourself.. huh? Now, all of you MHites do have a feeling that you have conquered the world. But once you get out of the college, you will know what real life is.. At that time, you will regret thinking of all these. But it will be too late.. Your parents will also suffer for what you are doing now.."
I decided to change the track, and tried to bring a sad expression on my face as if, I was deeply moved by her words. Shook my head in between and kept staring on the floor. "Oh.. you just opened my eyes!!" was all what I wanted to convey, and from her face, I knew that I had done very well..
I saw her face expression changing. She used her palm to support her chin, and her face looked like that of someone who is at the funeral of a close relative.
"You have done a few mistakes, but now you are worried about your future, right?"
Her voice was very soft.(Er... I mean.. the maximum softness that she could bring in her voice. of course, she has got her own limits..)
I nodded very slowly.
"Why you were not able to study properly?"
For a moment, I was blank. What would I say? I can't tell her that it was because I didn't give a fuck about studying. I couldn't figure out anything quickly. So I chose the option of silence.
After a few seconds, she leaned forward, and asked in a lowered voice.
"You have any problems?"
"Eh?"
"I mean, any mental problems?"
I felt like rolling over the floor and laughing, but I did respect her concern. Somehow, I managed to keep the sadness on my face, and replied.
"No, ma'am."
"Physical?"
I wanted to say something and abandoned the idea too quickly. I had to turn my face to the other side so that she wouldn't see me smiling. I retained the sadness, and turned back.
"No"
She crossed her fingers, and said very seriously..
"Anyways, we have to find a solution. Do you study at least an hour everyday?"
"Yes ma'am"
I replied without thinking much.
"No, you don't.. Because if you did, you should have scored at least 7.5"
"Er.. actually... I started doing so only in this semester ma'am.. "
"Hmmm... That's good. You should promise me that you will continue to do that.."
"I promise, ma'am"
"That's really good.. Now go on.. "
As she left, I felt totally relieved. Somehow, I managed an output that time.. But, the trouble wasn't fully over. Viva was still left.
As I sat in front of the external examiner, she, straight away, asked me to identify some components. My eyeballs bulged outwards as if I was looking at a ufo. Examiner got a clear idea of my pathetic condition and let me go very quickly..
So that was how the thing got ended, folks.. and the only thing left was a
promise. What about that? Now, even if I tell you that I kept my word, You will take it to be a joke. Won't you??
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