Why I want to be a Maoist

Note :- This post doesn't have any serious political/ideological implications. Most of the posts in my blog fall under one category, nonsense. This post isn't an exception.

Quick disposal of cases against them through fast-track courts. Surrendered Maoists will go through counseling and vocational training by an NGO nominated by the state government.

They will then be provided margin money up to Rs 2 lakhs and bank loans up to Rs 10 lakhs to start businesses

This appeared in the newspapers around a week ago. The rehabilitation package offered by the West Bengal Gov. to the surrendering Maoists.

I went through this thing again and again, scrutinized it several times, tweeted about it, pondered over it again and again, and now, I have reached the conclusion. What a tempting offer! You can't blame jobless people in this country, whose I am a representative of, if they think that this is the best beginning that they can have.

Why work for a corporate company? Work for yourself. Start a business of your own. And there, the Government is, to help you with the capital. You figure out what business you want to do.

Now that I have made up my mind and chosen the different and bold path, Got to move forward with the execution. I have to surrender. But in order to surrender, I have to be a Maoist first. I am pretty sure that I am qualified enough. I have plenty of experience in putting holes on the foreheads of my opponents and spraying their blood all over. Yea.. in first person shooter games, of course. That's the closest that I was able to get to that experience. Not my fault, you know. Oh wait.. I have hit balloon targets very accurately with an air gun. Now that makes me a potential candidate.

I'm not very sure about how the applications are to be submitted. Do the Maoists have a website or somethin, where I can upload my resume to their database? They must be having something like that. I can't go all the way to West Bengal for submitting the application.

I'll get selected for sure. Unless they have a minimum height-weight or a minimum GPA criteria. Come on.. you need not be a Salman Khan to shoot innocent people or remove the fishplates of railway tracks.

After the selection, do they have a training program? I'm a fresher, new in the field, right? So I need some training. Guns in computer games don't have weight. But in real, they are all very heavy. So I might take some time to adjust with it. Hopefully, the training program will add value to myself. I wouldn't mind being in their training campus for a couple of months, unless twitter is blocked there. Can't miss the controversies that Mr.Tharoor creates. They are priceless! They come out one per week, right? Or is it one in two weeks?

During my short term tenure as a Maoist, I would like to be interviewed by Arundhati Roy. She thinks that all Maoists are Gandhians. Did she really mean that? oh.. I got it. She might have compared Maoists with the politicians in our country. Killing people with a single bullet fire is a very benign act compared to making people rot in a corrupt country.

At the end of the interview, I would like to ask her something back. She has been telling that the mining industries are disrupting the lives of tribes and they are joining the Maoists because of the Government's negligence. So how come not even a single industry been attacked by the Maoists? Why all the attacks are directed towards civilians/Policemen/Jawans? Or may be I'll find out the answers myself when I'm a part of them. Fine.. That'll do.

The interview with Arundhati Roy will appear in a major magazine/newspaper, which will make me kind of a... celebrity, you know. I like that. One lakh followers in twitter. People discussing about me being gay/not gay. Marriage followed by an immediate divorce. So, I can sell the broadcast rights of my surrendering act to a TV channel and make some money that way also.

What awaits me after the surrendering act? I would have killed a dozen people and been a part of sabotages which might have taken a couple of hundreds of lives, by that time. So, they will put me in counseling. Now, if you've been through an Engg. college, and if you haven't been the 'teacher's pet - class topper types', I am sure you've experienced intense counseling, abuse, threats etc. So counseling and all related stuff is gonna be a cakewalk.

That's all. Right after that, I will be a businessman. What business will I do? I'll decide it later. Or considering the celebrity status that I would have acquired, I might be able to make a living, endorsing products, or judging reality shows. That ain't bad either..

P.S:-

The picture was added without any intention. But the girl standing next to the guy in white dress looks good. Yet another reason to be a Maoist.